Cheryl Black's contribution to the e-poster presentation on Demographic and Educational Influence of Our Leadership and Administration Practices Using Democratic Accountability for a Division A (Administration) session at AERA 2005, Montreal, 12 April.

This portion of the e-poster presentation is based on the experience of an elementary school administrator. I have written about the process of moving from a secondary music teacher into the position of elementary administrator in work for my master's degree, "Managing Transitions" (Black, 2000, available at: www.actionresearch.ca ). I have also written about balancing the teaching load with administrative load, p3 v2. I have presented a paper at the annual meeting of the American Educational Research Association in Chicago, in April of 2003, about striving to engage teachers in Action Research (Black, 2005). Finally, I have also presented on the continuing struggle to engage teachers in Action Research in April of 2004, at the annual meeting of the same organization in San Diego. All of this work was written in the spirit of optimism that I would 'get there'. I never doubted my ability to achieve my goal, that of using Action Research with teachers as part of their annual review process and evidence of their own professional growth.

This writing was based on my experiences as an elementary administrator. I had the opportunity to work in five schools within my first two years. In each of those schools, I was there long enough to learn names, the culture of the elementary panel, in general, and to learn some of the policies and procedures. However, I was not there long enough to work through the positive energy and naivete which many people experience when successful in attaining a new position in a chosen field.

I began as a vice principal in an elementary school after nineteen years of teaching music in the secondary panel. In that role, I was successful and had developed a reputation in the community for the high quality of performance achieved by my students, each year. I believed that I would also be successful as an administrator at the elementary level and that strong conviction carried me through my first years as a vice principal. From this position, I analyzed my practice as a high school teacher music teacher and planned to apply many of the successful leadership skills in my new position as elementary vice principal. While working through that transition, I wrote about it in my masters degree. (available at: www.actionresearch.ca ) I believed that I was doing a good job in the role, as I perceived it, and gathered quotes and stories to validate my learning.

As I moved into the position of principal, much of the naivete persisted. However, over time I began to realize that the role of principal was much greater than I had originally anticipated. While I widened my perception of the role, I also lost focus on what truly mattered to me—ensuring that my values were evident in my practice. I know that I wrote about the role of elementary administrator and that the scope was too broad to do everything well which necessitated choosing the aspects where my time would be concentrated. However, I did not truly realize the full scope and soon I fell into the trap of trying to fit my actions with the perception that the teachers and the parents had about the role, losing sight of my values in the role.

As a consequence, I believe I lost some credibility with the teachers in the school. They cared about me and liked me, but did not always agree with my decisions with regards to discipline for students. I know that this is common, but was experiencing it fully for the first time. Perhaps I should be pleased that they trusted our relationship enough to be honest, but at that time I was only listening to the negative vibes and energy that I could feel circulating in the school. They believed that I was not tough enough with students on many occasions. My credibility decreased, and my confidence weakened. I began second-guessing my decisions from the position of the teachers in the school. I was treading carefully between the parents who often thought my discipline was too stringent and the teachers, who thought my discipline was not stringent enough. It was very difficult trying to work within the school to improve student learning and yet know that someone was disagreeing with me all the time.

As my confidence weakened, my optimism and my warmth diminished as I related to the people within the school. The one teacher who was dealing with a particularly difficult student, also lost a parent during that year. She rebuffed my support and caring on a number of occasions. As a consequence, I became more withdrawn from the remainder of the staff because I was uncertain of their loyalty for the reasons mentioned above. Also, this teacher had a great deal of influence with the other teachers and I was uncertain as to the amount of support she would garner from the rest of the staff. I know that I withdrew and felt very alone. So, at staff meetings and incidental conversations in the halls, I steered away from controversial topics because I felt we had to build some positives into our relationships—I had to pull back and do some rebuilding as a result of the negative issues floating around the school.

Another complicating factor is that of "Parent Rage"--the recent phenomenon of parents who do not hesitate to verbally attack teachers or administrators when they do not agree with decisions. Children have learned to manipulate the situation so that they describe the events leading to their discipline in such a way, that they look like a victim rather than a perpetrator. As a consequence, parents often come to the school to argue that their child is innocent and should not be disciplined. The onus is placed on the administrator to document witness statements as evidence for the parent that their children are not telling the complete truth. Calming down the confrontational parent so that a rational discussion may take place can sometimes take a series of conversations or meetings. However, the only means of improving the behaviour of a child is ensuring that the parents support the decisions of school personnel and impose further discipline at home. If a child is suspended and they are allowed to watch cartoons all day, the threat of another suspension is lessened and the possibility of improving behaviour becomes more remote.

There is a great deal of mediation involved in the position of school administrator. Something I value very highly is that of truly listening to the voices of others as I make decisions regarding the education of children. Listening and valuing the voices of angry parents, can be very draining and upsetting. I spent a great deal of time and emotional energy calming parents down so that the teachers in my school were somewhat insulated from that anger. However, there were also many times that teachers were frustrated at the behaviour of some children and the resulting impact on the learning of other children. Being caught in the middle of those two sides is very stressful.

Conflict can often arise between parental factions, as well. One evening, I returned to school for the School Council meeting. I checked the phone messages and decided that I had time to return a call before the meeting started. The parent was very angry with me because she had received a call from the child protection agency based on a referral from me. She felt that I was being unsupportive and my standard of behaviour for her children was unrealistic. I listened to her complaints and told her that I was sorry she felt that way but did not agree. I believed that I had done everything I could have to help her children learn school appropriate behaviour before I took the final step of calling community resources for assistance. She hung up the phone still very angry with me.

I then went into the meeting. A concern brought to the meeting was that there appeared to be a different standard of behaviour expected from older children in the school than was accepted from kindergarten children. I agreed that sometimes children arrived at school without having been taught appropriate social skills. As a consequence, we were sometimes in the position of teaching socially appropriate behaviour as well as academics. While the conversation was not specific to any particular child, I knew they were concerned with the behaviour of one particular family—the children of the parent I had just spoken to on the phone. While it often is not that immediate, there is frequent disagreement between parenting philosophies, and finding myself in the middle is not pleasant. In fact, it is very stressful and can be physically wearing.

With every new position, there is a honeymoon period. Naively, I thought I was doing very well. However, as time went on, mediating between the parents and teachers and, between the parents and other parents, meant that I was hearing and dealing with more and more negativity. I began to believe that I wasn't being successful in any aspect of my position and thought I had made a mistake choosing elementary administration. This situation was exacerbated by the decision I made to begin my doctoral work with Dr. Jack Whitehead at the University of Bath. Moving through my day, I considered and reflected on what was working and what was not working. At the end of each day, the negatives were speaking much more loudly and I found it very difficult to relive the day in my journal reflections so the writing choked up. My personal angst was compounded by other factors at the school. Two staff members lost a spouse, another staff member lost a parent (as mentioned above), a newly-retired staff member was diagnosed with terminal cancer and another staff member required angioplasty. When I finally made it to the summer holidays, I could not bring myself to write about the year. The pain was still too raw to reflect on the multitude of failures and the dearth of successes over the past school year.

I am able to write this now because I am now in a different place emotionally. I have seen some evidence of support from both parents and teachers which makes it a little easier to deal with the conflict. I now understand that there will always be someone who disagrees with me, but if they can still respect my decision, then I'm on the right track.

Why is this pattern significant? Why did I struggle through last year? Why did I find it impossible to truly reflect on my learning and on my leadership capacity? There are a number of reasons.

First, I spent a great deal of time and energy valuing the voices of others. I valued the voices of others often at the expense of my own and so was working from the outside in rather than the inside out. I did not have the confidence in my definition of the role to work from my values and make decisions from a common base. Looking back, I realize that I made many decisions based on the situation, the needs of the adults involved and often the welfare of the child last. My needs, beliefs or values often did not even enter the decision. As a consequence, I was not proud of the way I did the job. I was not able to feel the satisfaction of knowing that student welfare was my prime concern. I thought it was, but in retrospect, I realize that mediating the anger and conflict was often more important to me.

Second, my desire to mediate the conflict between the various disagreeing factions, often meant that I was reluctant to make a decision and impose that decision. I would often choose some midway point as a compromise between the two positions, rather than impose my opinion as to the appropriate decision. This desire of mine to listen to others at the expense of myself was also evident in staff meetings. I believe that the teachers have a great deal of knowledge and experience to bring to decisions about the school and how things were working. If a concern was expressed, I felt it important that the teachers discussed the various components of the concern and come to a consensus about the situation as long as their agreement worked within board policy.

Third, my struggle was compounded by the fact that I think best by discussing and talking yet, did not feel comfortable talking about my preponderance of negative emotions with friends or family. I believed that everyone else probably had bad days and so did not need to listen to me vent about my day or days. I certainly could not discuss my concerns with teachers at the school because some of them were too closely involved in the issues. The one person that I did trust to listen was no longer able to help because of his own health issues, so I could not work out my concerns in my modality of choice. In fact, often I tried to avoid the issues by reading or watching movies to give my emotions a rest. I know it is healthy to take a rest from a stressful job, but I often left issues unresolved because I did not have someone with whom to talk things over. That meant that although I took a break from the issues of work, often I woke up in the night worrying about the unresolved issues. That became unhealthy.

Fourth, my frustration in the position must have been evident. While the teachers at my school are very effective and deal with many parent issues quite readily, they still brought some issues to me. Many times they apologized for adding to my work load, but knew when the situations warranted my involvement. They knew the magnitude of the issues they were bringing to me, and many have frequently stated, "You couldn't pay me to do your job." So, their appreciation began to show because they still needed my help on some of the bigger issues, and realized that my position allowed them to pass the problem on when it became too great. Being squeezed between Ministry edicts, board policy and the reality of the funding formula (Ministry grants issued to each school board based on the number of students enrolled) meant that the stress comes at administrators from all sides and mediation is a very special skill that is frequently developed out of necessity.

I am not there yet, but can recognize that there are more positives in my days lately. While there will always be a reactive component to the job, my experience on the job and in that school makes it possible for me to take some proactive action with regards to the school and the way that it functions. I recognize that I felt overwhelmed last year and could not reflect on my practice from a position of defeat. Only now, as I feel some modicum of competence in my practice, do I find it possible to look back on the painful emotions of last year. Feeling, as I do, that I am improving in my practice, makes it more possible to reflect on my ability and not be afraid that I will be found overwhelmingly lacking. My capacity to reflect and analyze my practice has improved with my experience as I begin to recognize the knowledge that I have begun to accumulate and apply in my practice. I truly believe that I am getting better at what I do. I certainly know that many of my decisions are being made from a position of inside out—from my values, not situational. I also recognize that I invest less emotional energy when making some tougher decisions which leaves me feeling a little less drained at the end of the day.

How did this happen? I can remember a specific situation. A teacher came to me with a concern about my practice. She told me that my desire to help and support teachers, often meant that I was handling things which I did not need to handle. She told me that I stepped in to help too often and maybe was giving students the idea that I was the only person that they really had to respect. I left school feeling that I had let people down and in my desire to help, had actually hindered the ability of the staff to work with me, as a team. I went to a golf lesson offered by a friend. I can remember walking up to the tee and physically shaking the negative thoughts out of my head because he was giving me this lesson out of the goodness of his heart, so I thought he deserved my full attention. Later that evening, when I allowed the teacher's comment to intrude on my thoughts again, I found that I was not nearly as upset about it. The time and space afforded by the golf lesson, had removed some of the sting of the remark. The next day I spoke to the teacher and thanked her for making that statement. She visibly relaxed and told me that they needed me to deal with the big stuff and that they didn't want me to wear myself out with the small things that they could handle. She also told me that she realized I was only trying to help by doing too much.

From that day on, I realized the importance of a life away from work--the necessity of a hobby that is mentally taxing enough to make me think about something other than work. That was giving me a rest from the job and giving me some perspective and objectivity. Since then, I have made commitments to myself regarding spare time. I have become involved in performing and listening more to live music as well as regular golf games every week, in season. The time that I book away from the job (after school and on weekends) allows me to return to work refreshed and energized. I am beginning to be better at my job by redefining my self-concept. My job is no longer who I am, it is what I do and I am better able to be who I am as I do my job, when I give myself time away from worrying about my job and issues that may arise. Rather than defining myself as a school principal who plays golf and the piano, I am a person who works as a school principal and has hobbies. That perspective is much healthier and means that there is a little less emotional cost to my day. I am not always successful, but it is getting better.

References:

Black, C. (2000). Managing Transitions, Unpublished Masters Thesis available at: www.actionresearch.ca.

Black, C. (2002). How can I improve my ability to balance my elementary school administrative role with my assigned teaching load to adequately meet the needs of other people as well as my own? In Black, C. & Delong, J. ed. (2002) Passion in Professional Practice Volume II. Available at: www.actionresearch.ca

Black, C. (2005). Issues regarding the facilitation of teacher research. Reflective Practice, 6(1), 107-122.